


A Broken Hope, A Choking Breeze

by BurnInFlames



Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Future, Anxiety Attacks, Established Relationship, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-12-15
Packaged: 2018-05-11 19:10:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5638555
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurnInFlames/pseuds/BurnInFlames
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ian and Mickey are living in New York working as tattoo artists in a small shop.  They both end up getting locked in the tattoo studio where Mickey freaks out and has a panic attack which is not what Ian was expecting as he invited his boyfriend there for something else.</p><p>Second chapter added.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Ian/Mickey fic, had the idea for a while and then said fuck it so I wrote it. It is set after season 4.

Mickey sighed as he walked into the apartment slamming the door behind him before throwing his coat one of the chairs as he walked to the fridge in the kitchen. He had a shitty day with stupid annoying customers all day unable to decide what they wanted for a tattoo. He wasn't waiting around for Ian to finish work so decided to come home to get drunk and high and watch Netflix.

He never understood why Ian always worked late but figured Ian loved his work so he never complained to him over working late. He and Ian had moved to New York five years ago after Mickey came out in the Alibi and Ian was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder.

Mickey wanted to get away from his homophobic father who still wanted to kill both of them for simply loving each other. Ian wanted to leave because his family kept comparing him to Monica and always looked at him like he was problem and burden and he had enough so they both left town.

In New York Ian had managed to get a tattoo apprentiship at a small tattoo shop as he could draw well enough to do tattoos and Mickey also done the same apprentiship. They both managed to get a job at the same place they couldnt believe they were legit but they also couldnt complain as they had much worse.

Mickey sat on the sofa with a bottle of beer and turned on the tv before rolling a joint and was about to light up when his phone buzzed and he knew who it was before looking at it.

He knew it was Ian as he had been sending him messages all day to come into his work room for his birthday tattoo that Ian promised years ago. He really wasnt bothered with his birthday, his family never celebrated any holiday so it wasnt a big deal to him but he wasnt long learning that Ian wouldnt give up on doing something for it.

He threw the joint of the table as he sighed in frustration at not been able to get drunk and high before Ian came home and jumping the bones of his boyfriend.

He figured he might as well go back to the shop as he knew if Ian was texting him all day he would never quit until he got what he wanted. He sighed as finsihed off the bottle of beer before grabbing his coat and leaving the apartment.

 

 

* * *

 

Ian had just finished the tattoo of his last client for the day and was starting to clean up his work station figuring Mickey wasnt going to show up. They both had clients all day and didnt get to see each other so he had been sending messages all day and was largely ignored so figured his boyfriend was at home getting drunk and high so he might as well do the same thing.

He stood up and moved to throw the used needle and gloves in the hazard waste bin as he decided to give up on getting Mickey to do anything for his birthday.

He was broken from his thoughts when he heard "didnt think I would come back did you" in a humoured tone.

Ian turned to look at him with a slightly shocked expression but hid it quickly as he answered "i didnt think anything" trying but failing not to stutter the words thinking his plans to fuck Mickey over the tattoo table was back on.

Mickey laughed with a rasied eyebrow replying "you couldnt play it cool if you tried, anyone ever tell you that" mockingly.

Ian rolled his eyes knowing his brother did plently of time but he didnt really care what his brother thought of him anymore. Ever since they left Chicago five years ago he hadnt been in touch with his family anymore, he couldnt stand they way they compared him to Monica all the time even when he was stable with his Bi-Polar disorder. It was suffocating him so he left and Mickey gladly went him too and they never looked back.

Mickey shut the door behind him before he stepped closer to Ian adding "you sent me a hundred texts today even though we were in the same building, thats not playing it cool and you are also a shit liar" deciding to tease him a bit more becasue he found it funny when Ian squirmed.

Ian glared at him silently not really giving a shit aobut playing it cool before replying "shut the fuck up" as he flipped him the middle finger.

Mickey ran his thumb along his bottom lip before replying "so we doing this or not" as he sat in the chair.

Ian silently smirked at him as got the tattoo gun ready and the stencil made up for the tattoo as Mickey removed his shirt and Ian placed the stencil on his shoulder. Ian got to work on the tattoo as Mickey silently watched him wondering why he didnt get one from Ian sooner as he watched his boyfriend work.

When the tattoo was finished and wrapped up Mickey put his shirt and coat on as Ian threw the needle and used ink and gloved into the hazard waste bin.

Mickey turned the handle on the door and pulled on it but the door wouldnt open. He pulled on it again before saying "hey the door wont open, what the fuck is going on" angrily as he hated being in tight spaces with the no way out.

The room was small enough and felt even smaller knowing the door was locked and they were on the third floor so jumping out the window was not an option unless he wanted broken legs.

Ian turned to face him replying "what, it shouldnt be locked, was there anyone at the front desk when you came in" firmly.

Mickey laughed in disbelief turning to face him replying "of course there fucking was, the stupid bitch saw me walk right in here" angrily.

Ian looked at him with a shocked expression replying "she must have thought we left, I was late this evening with my last client and she didnt know I was staying late either" trying not to piss off his boyfriend anymore then he was already.

Mickey glared at him raising eyebrow even more almost daring Ian to piss him off even more, he really needed to get out of here, it was too claustrophibic and he was starting to panic.

Ian looked around the room trying to figure something out as he replied "uh I think there may be a spare key in here" softly before looking in the drawers at the wall.

Mickey angrily replied "you fucking think, what you mean there might be, I need to get the fuck out of here, you know I hate tight spaces" before pulling the door handle again.

Ian would have laughed at the situation becasue he thought it was funny plus he always wanted to be locked in a room with Mickey with no escape.

But seeing the panic on Mickey's face he knew he needed to get that door open before his boyfriend jumped out the window.

He turned from the desk to see Mickey pacing the small space in front of the door and rushed over grabbing his shoulders with his hands replying "I will get that door open, please stop pancking, you are safe, you arent back with your dad anymore, its just me and you" soothingly as he looked right at him.

Mickey grabbed Ian's hips softly replying "Ian you know I am trying not freak out here but its not helping, my dad used to lock me in a room and beat the shit out of me on a near daily basis right up until we left that shit hole so get me the fuck of here before I jump through that window and dont think I wont do it" menacingly with a hard expression.

Ian could see the fear in Mickey's eyes and felt the grip on his hips tighten which told him Mickey was verging on a panic attack and would jump out the window so he resumed his search for a key.

Mickey felt his mouth dry up and his hands get all sweaty as his heart rate shot through the roof and he couldnt breathe and he felt like his insides were imploding and the window was looking like a good option even if it meant two broken legs.

He stared out the window to try and calm himself down but it wasnt working as all he could see were flashbacks from the abuse at the hands of his father beating the shit out of him and telling him no one loved him, he didnt deserve to be loved, and he was a useless waste of space who no one would miss if he disappeared off the face of the earth.

He felt his panic attack get worse even when Ian put his hands on each side of his face telling him "its okay, just breathe, its only me here, youre safe" softly.

It didnt help calm him down any futher but he felt a pull like an anchor in the storm as he whispered "get me the fuck out of here Ian please" as he saw Ian shake his head before looking in some other drawers in the room.

Mickey's panic and anxiety didnt lessen as the intense feeing of self hatred that he felt so weak paralysed him even more as it silently choked him. It was another thing his father used to say, that he was weak and pathetic and it didnt matter what Ian said over the years, he still thought that was true even though his knuckle tattoos and attitude told a different story.

He knew the facade was bullshit at times especially when around Ian but he worked hard over the years in perfecting the fuck you up attitude that it was hard to believe he was anything else other than a no good thug from the south side of Chicago. It didnt matter what Ian said and he still found it hard to believe that Ian saw any good in him but he did and he was grateful that someone saw past the tough exterior since no one else cared or even wanted to think there was more to him than the fuck you up on his knuckles.

He was broken out his thoughts when Ian shouted "I found a screwdriver" as he slammed a drawer shut.

Mickey would have almost laughed if he wasnt so paralysed in his panic attack but he did stare at Ian as the red head started to take the screws out of the door handle adding "we are getting the fuck out of here, no need for jumping out windows okay" firmly.

Mickey swallowed the dry lump in his throat as he listened to Ian talk and ramble to try and calm him down but it wasnt working and he never felt more out of control. He never knew there was a name for panic and anxiety attacks until Ian asked him about a month ago to go to one of his therapy sessions for his bi-polar disorder with him as he wanted to talk about what happened when they were caught but Mickey's father all those years ago.

Mickey was suprised when Ian's therapist had told him he had anxiety and panic attacks in social situations and he was even more suprised along with Ian when he voluntarily went to his own private sessions with Ian's therapist.

He was broken from his thoughts again when Ian shook his shoulders telling him "i got the door open" softly.

Mickey looked over at the door to see the handle and screws on the floor and the door open and felt his anxiey level fall as the panic started to leave his body. He took in deep breaths and felt his heart rate slow down and his breathing start to retun to normal but the flight instinct was too strong as he pushed Ian backwards and ran out of the room and the studio and onto the street where he just kept running.

Ian watched him leave before throwing the screwdriver on the floor shouting "stupid fucking idiot, on what planet was that a good fucking idea" angrily as he sat in the chair.

He leaned forward resting his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands thinking of all the ways he would kill the shop receptionist tomorrow for locking them in like that without checking to see if they left.

He sat there for a while thinking there was no point in going after Mickey as he knew after a panic attack he just wanted to be left alone but he hated that he was the one who caused this attack. He stood up and put the door handle back together before finishing the rest of the clean up before locking up the shop and heading back to his apartment.

 

 

 

Ian walked into his apartment and shut the door behind him and decided he needed a beer as he spotted Mickey sitting on the sofa with a beer and smoking a joint. Ian grabbed a beer from the fridge before sitting down beside Mickey mumbling "I'm sorry" softly.

There was a short silence before Mickey handed him the joint replying "the fuck you have to be sorry for, it wasnt your fault, it was that stupid bitch, how many times has she been told to check if anyone is still in the rooms tattooing" angrily. Ian passed him back the joint as he sat back on the sofa with is shoulder against Mickey's shoulder.

Ian softly smirked replying "i know but I should have known better" softly before taking a drink from the bottle of beer in his hand.

Mickey sighed hating that Ian wouls feel shitty over this replying "its not your fault, I dont have control over my panic attacks, they just happen, you know what I mean" softly.

Ian shook his head in agreement knowing exactly what he meant since he had no control over his disorder replying "I know but still going to tear her a new one tomorrow for that shit, I dont care if she gets fired, she is only there becasue she brings in the straight guys who are into the fake bimbo look, she looks like she walked off a porn set" icily.

Mickey looked at him with a raised eyebrow replying "how would know what women in porn look like" curiously.

Ian rolled his eyes looking at him replying "Lip" as if it were obvious.

Mickey scoffed as he took a pull from the joint replying "wouldnt expect anything less from that asshole, thinks he can make you straight with that shit, I tried to be straight, it doesnt fucking work and belive me I fucking tried, have you met my fucking dad" icily.

Ian took the joint from him replying "I have and what nice man he is" sarcastically as he smoked the joint before laughing.

Mickey laughed in disbelief thumping him on the shoulder replying "shut the fuck up rusty nuts" as he drank some of his beer.

Ian laughed at the nickname as Mickey put his arm over his shoulder and pulling him in for a hug and kissed the top of his head. they finished their beer and joint when Mickey stood up and walked towards their bathroom to clean his tattoo and take the wrapping off.

He was still in the bathroom when he heard Ian ask "want to watch netflix" curiously.

Mickey walked out of the bathroom shirtless and into their bedroom replying "fuck netflix, would rather fuck you" and Ian immediatly followed leaving the room door open since they were all alone with no threat of being walked in on in the middle of the night. And it looked like Ian's plans were back on but in a different setting.


	2. These ghosts I keep inside

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Terry gets killed in prison Mickey shuts down and wont talk about it at all to Ian with the exception of telling Ian he doesn't care about it. Ian doesn't push Mickey on the issue until he is asked by Mickey to do a tattoo for him and Mickey breaks down and tells Ian how he really feels about Terry being killed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I posted this chapter a while ago as an individual one shot but then I deleted it because it didn't make any sense just sitting there as a random story when it was meant to be part of the previous chapter. For some reason it didn't make sense on its own so I've added it as an extra chapter to this story I started nearly a year ago. I'm really sorry if you've already read both of these chapters but if you have you can skip it. I just wanted to add the second part and I've set it in real time which means about 10 months has passed between this chapter and the last chapter. I'm really sorry about this confusion.  
> _________________________________

Ever since Mickey moved to New York with Ian five years ago he was still haunted by his past back in Southside Chicago at the hands of his homophobic father. He still found it strange that he and Ian were working legit jobs in small tattoo studio but they were good enough to make a living out of something they both enjoyed a lot. Mickey was still working on his panic attacks but they were now few and far between since he had started talking about them in Ian's therapy sessions they both went to for Ian's bipolar disorder.

It had been months since his last panic attack in Ian's work room at the studio and even though he felt embarrassed about freaking out like that he was just glad that Ian never mentioned it again. Mickey was lying on the table in Ian's work room at the shop getting a tattoo finished up that Ian had started on him a month ago. As he silently watched Ian colour in the tattoo on his ribs that was half finished all he could think about was growing up in Southside.

All he could think that this right here now in the present felt strange and it was something he never thought was possible in the early days of his relationship with Ian where they were forced to hide in the shadows. It was for his own protection and Ian's too and he hated that he forced Ian to live in the closet with him because he knew Ian didn't care that he was gay.

Mickey was almost envious of Ian in some ways and he wished he came to terms with being gay a lot sooner and he knew if he never started things up with Ian that his life would be so different to what it is now. He felt sick at the thought of never meeting Ian because he knew if he didn't then he would be living so deep in the closet he wouldn't even know he was gay.

He knew he would be married to some woman he hated and forced to have children which he also hated because he never wanted them either especially with Terry still roaming the streets of Southside and he wouldn't inflict his father's hatred on an innocent person. He thought of the abuse at the hands of his father before he and Ian left Chicago even though a part of him hated that he left Mandy behind but he knew she didn't want to leave Chicago.

But he heard from her a few months ago when she called him to let him know that the big bad called Terry was dead as he got killed in prison for some sort of revenge. All Mickey felt since then was numb because he didn't know how to feel but he knew he didn't care the bastard was dead. He just hated that Terry got to leave the planet and got away with everything while he was stuck here dealing with the consequences of the abuse growing up in the Milkovich house.

He knew he was still affected by the physical abuse such as the beatings, the verbal put downs that cut like a knife and left him with what Ian called self esteem issues. Mickey didn't even have it in him to fight Ian on that when he told him ages ago because some part of him knew Ian was right and telling the truth. Mickey just hated that Ian knew him so well especially in the early days of when they were friends that just fucked before feelings grew into love and they left Chicago in the middle of the night and never looked back.

But now Mickey just felt less alone because he knew Ian was on his side and always would be for as long as they lived and he knew he felt the same towards Ian. He also knew Ian was the only person on the planet that would fight for him and it made him feel weird because he wasn't used to someone giving a shit about him at all. All he ever heard before he left Chicago was his father telling him was no good, no one loved him or cared about him and never would because he was a piece of shit that deserved to be abused.

It didn't help that everyone in Southside looked at him like he was garbage and nothing more than the name his inherited from his father who was a hateful person towards everyone. But most of all Mickey just hated that even though his father was dead he still felt so much shame over what happened in his life because of the abuse. He hated that it still affected him to this day. Even though his nightmares were few and far between, his panic attacks werent as severe as they used to be and the anxiety was still there he just felt like he was broken and would never be able to pick up the pieces and glue them back together.

He just felt he was damaged goods not worthy of being loved, not worthy of having some one like Ian and that Ian was too good for him and would realize it soon and leave like everyone else left him or avoided him like a contagious disease. He was so used to being alone and now that he let Ian into his life he had a new fear of Ian leaving him some day. And even though Ian said it would never happen Mickey was just too afraid to believe those words and he didn't know if it was some sort of self preservation instinct.

He didn't know if it was just something he told himself so that when Ian did leave he could say to himself that he knew it would happen eventually. He could convince himself he had been prepared for it so the impact of Ian leaving would do less damage on him and hurt less when it did happen. But he knew it was lie and he was fooling himself because he knew if and when Ian did leave it would completely destroy him and he wasn't sure he could ever come back from that and he hated that people had so much power of him all the time.

He knew he was fragile and he hated it because it made him feel weak which was everything Terry despised in a person especially a Milkovich. It just made him wonder if Terry knew he had that weakness and that he cared too much sometimes which was the reason why he was Terry's punching bag up until the day Ian convinced him they should both leave town and go somewhere that they could start over.

Mickey wondered how he managed to keep his relationship with Ian a secret and he knew his father didn't find out because if he did Mickey wouldn't be alive right now and neither would Ian because Terry would have killed them both for being gay. He also didn't know how he managed to leave town with Ian but he knew Ian was going to leave anyway and he knew if he stayed here in this town it would kill him eventually.

Also the thought of Ian living his life away from him made him feel sick and he didn't want to lose Ian so when Ian convinced him they would cover their tracks so they could never be found by anyone Mickey knew he trusted Ian and agreed to leave. He knew Ian was just reassuring him they would never be found by Terry and he was grateful for it because he was just so scared that when they left Terry would catch up with them sooner or later.

But Ian told him only Fiona and Mandy would know they were leaving and they would keep it a secret and Ian didn't want to leave with out telling Fiona because he didn't want her to think it was her fault he left when he just needed to get away from the Southside. When both Mandy and Fiona found out they were leaving they swore never to tell anyone and would keep and eye out for any suspicious behaviour from Terry.

The fact that Fiona and Mandy had their back made Mickey relax a little bit especially when they found out a year after they left that Terry had written off Mickey as no longer family. That was good enough for Mickey because he never felt like he was part of the Milkovich family and the only family he had worth having was Ian and that was all he needed.

Since he was child and self aware he always knew he was different especially when he was looking at his best friend who was Ian in a way he shouldn't be looking at a boy. It wasnt until they were teenagers that they realized they were attracted to each other and came out to each other when Mickey was seventeen. A few months later things started up between them and even though Mickey held back at first Ian was persistent until eventually Mickey gave into his feelings for Ian and he never regretted it since.

Even though it had been five years since they left Chicago Mickey just felt hopeless sometimes and wondered if he would ever feel good enough for himself or for Ian. He knew there was a small part of him in the last year or so that started to believe he was good enough for Ian because Ian was still here and he hadn't left and Mickey decided to ignore those voices in his head that told him he deserved to be alone.

He knew through therapy for his anxiety that those negative thoughts and feelings were part of the abuse and the shit his father dumped on him because he was a horrible person. Mickey was broken from his thoughts when he heard Ian ask "you okay" softly. Mickey blinked his eyes shut before looking at Ian while clearing his throat hesitantly replying "yeah just thinking" softly.

Ian stopped working as he held his hand with the tattoo gun up in the air asking "you spaced out for a while" not hiding the concern in his tone. Mickey shrugged and moved a little hating that soreness in his body from lying in the same spot for so long feeling defensive asking "you finished yet" firmly. Ian picked up on that defensiveness but didn't comment so he turned around to get some more ink replying "nearly there, just a few bits left to do" softly.

Mickey looked at Ian's back while rubbing his hand over his face hating that he was now snapping at Ian for no reason. Mickey let out a tense breath replying "sorry for snapping at you" in a whisper. Ian turned back around and wiped the excess ink off the tattoo with a wet paper towel before looking at Mickey replying "its okay" before throwing the paper towel on the table behind him.

Mickey wasn't having it grabbing Ian's arm with his hand replying "its not" firmly. Ian looked up at him hesitantly blurting out "are you sure you're okay, I know this piece is something you've wanted for a while and means something to you" softly. Mickey looked over to the wall as he heard the buzz of the machine start up and he was glad Ian wasn't looking at him and got back to work as he shyly told him "just thinking about all the shit before we left Chicago" in a whisper.

Ian glanced up but didn't stop working because he could feel the tension in Mickey's body and he knew it wasn't from the pain of the tattoo machine, he knew whatever it was that Mickey was thinking was making him uncomfortable. Ian knew ever since they found out Terry was killed in prison it affected Mickey in some way but Ian never commented on it because he knew Mickey wouldn't talk if he wasn't ready to talk.

But he wished Mickey would just say something because he hated that there was something wrong with his boyfriend and he couldn't fix it like Mickey would help him when his meds stopped working and needed to be changed. Ian just felt lucky to have Mickey in his life, someone that didn't care he was bipolar and just helped him when he needed help and would lie in bed with him when felt too alone.

As Ian worked he looked up and saw Mickey staring at the wall not even trying to hide the anguish from his face. Ian just softly shook his head in defeat and got back to work deciding that was as much as he was going to get for now but he knew Mickey would break eventually because he always did in the past. Mickey didn't know how long he had been lying there lost in his own thoughts when he heard Ian tell him "finished, just need to clean it up a bit" firmly.

Mickey squeezed his eyes shut rubbing them with his fingers while feeling Ian clean up his tattoo with a paper towel before he heard "you can stand up now" softly. Ian just turned around and cleaned up his table a little before grabbing some cling film and tape to cover the tattoo before walking over to the mirror where Mickey was standing silently looking at the tattoo. Ian quietly watched him as he stood beside his boyfriend swallowing the dryness in his mouth not wanting to disturb the silence.

When Mickey stood in front of the mirror he looked at the dark lines filled in with dark colours and what looked like smoke surrounding what Ian just drew and he just felt different. He felt the burn of tears in his eyes and even though he had long ago let Ian see him like this and no longer cared that about it there was a small whisper in his mind that called him weak.

But he didn't care blurting out "I'm glad Terry is dead, fucker got what he deserved" icily. Ian looked up from his feet not expecting the wall to break this soon but he still remained quiet sensing Mickey wasn't done yet. He was proven right when Mickey stumbled over the words continuing "I never told you how he got killed, fucker got strangled to death by some inmate who wanted revenge" in a whisper.

Ian's eyes widened a little and this was the first he heard of it until now as he stepped a little closer. Mickey just keep his eyes on Ian's work he just finished letting out a shaky breath "wish I was there to see it so I could laugh at him" hating his voice wasn't as steady as he wanted it to be. Mickey scoffed rubbing his eyes with his fingers before adding "I used to think of all the ways I could kill him and the one way he gets killed is the most fitting of them all" icily.

Ian couldn't stop himself reaching out and grabbing Mickey's shoulder and stepped closer letting Mickey know he was there and he wasn't alone. Mickey swallowed the saliva in his mouth and then licking his lips before hesitantly hissing "it was so fucking simple and so fucking fitting" not hiding the hatred in his voice. Ian wasn't surprised by this as he knew the full extent of what Mickey had to put up with before they left Chicago.

Mickey couldn't stop the tears that fell from his eyes and anger radiated through him adding "that's how I felt every fucking day, like I was being suffocated" icily. Ian stood right up against Mickey putting arm around him feeling the tension leave Mickey's body. Mickey leaned into Ian as the tattoo was on his other side looking down at the ground rubbing his eyes with his fingers blurting out "like being who I was was something so wrong I deserved to die for it, he knew I was different and he hated me for it" angrily.

Ian rested his head against Mickey's as they made eye contact in the mirror interjecting "he was wrong and he got what he deserved" firmly. Mickey didn't even hesitate hissing lowly so people outside the room wouldn't hear him say "I'm glad he's dead and I just wish I was there to see it and laugh at him as he called for help and let him die" angrily. Ian pulled Mickey closer to him rubbing his hand over his shoulder replying "don't let him destroy you" softly.

Mickey scoffed wiping his nose with his hand replying "too fucking late for that" in a whisper. There was a silence before Mickey looked at the floor adding "he got away with it and I'm still here living with this shit, shit that he dumped on me" in a harsh whisper. Ian picked up on the resentment and coldness in Mickey's voice not knowing what to say before hesitating "but you're trying, you're nothing like him" firmly. Mickey looked up at Ian's reflection replying "sometimes I feel like I am" in a whisper.

Ian heard it snapping "don't say that and you're not" firmly. Mickey scoffed before biting his lip wanting to say you make me feel like I'm not instead replying "I'm glad you think so" softly. Ian softly smiled but he knew Mickey was just deflecting in some way replying "you're way better than him" firmly. Mickey softly laughed not even wanting to look away stumbling over his words as they kept getting stuck in his throat forcing out "sometimes I wonder what my life would be like if he didn't fuck me up so much" not hiding the sadness in his voice.

Mickey felt the bile rise in the throat before adding "I don't regret you Ian and this isn't anything to do with you" falling silent before hesitantly adding "but sometimes I wish I was never born" softly hating that Ian just looked hurt. Ian didn't even hide how hurt he looked as he looked at his boyfriend replying "I'm glad you were because then I wouldn't have you and we wouldn't be here right now" firmly.

A silence fell as Ian got his thoughts together before adding "I mean sometimes I feel the same way because then I wouldn't be bipolar but if you were never born then I wouldn't have a reason to be stable" softly. Mickey looked surprised at that blurting out "really" softly. Ian shook his head leaning against Mickey as he looked at him in the mirror replying "yeah, I already thought I was just another Monica but you made me see that I'm not so if you weren't born then I wouldn't have met you and then I'd just be like Monica and let my bipolar run wild and stay un-medicated" not adding you give me a reason to live even though he knew it probably wasn't healthy to have that thought but he didn't care at all because it was true.

Mickey didn't know what to say as he let Ian's words sink into his head as he remained silent. Ian lightly shoved him adding "the way I see it is he cant hurt us any more, we free" firmly. Mickey let out a shaky sigh whispering "yeah" wishing he could believe those words right now because he didn't feel free at all.

Over the last five years he pretended he was but there was always that shadow of Terry lingering over his life and he was waiting for the day Terry walked through the door of the shop or their apartment and kill them both on the spot. But as Ian's words sank in he realized Ian was right in that Terry couldn't hurt them anymore. There was no threat lingering over them from the shadows anymore but Mickey wished he could believe that he was free because he still felt caged in the prison Terry put him into since he could remember.

Mickey wrapped his arm around Ian's back pulling him closer looking at the floor blurting out "I don't feel that way" in a whisper not adding he wasn't sure if he ever would because he felt too used to be trapped. Mickey cleared his throat forcing himself to look at Ian not knowing how to say what he needed to say hesitating over the words "what we have makes me free but outside of that I don't know anything really" softly not adding I just hate myself a lot but not you. Ian wasn't having it not looking away from his boyfriend replying "then I'll help you like you help me when my meds crash" surely.

Mickey softly laughed blurting out "that you me and us bullshit I said when you were first diagnosed" humouredly. Ian stood up a little straighter still not looking away and not hesitating "fucking right it is and its not bullshit" firmly not adding at least to me it isn't. Mickey laughed feeling relief settle over him now that he got what he needed to say off his mind before taking in a deep breath feeling his lungs expand and exhaled feeling a bit calmer.

Ian hugged him from the side wrapping his arms around him lightly kissing the top of his head before getting to work on covering up the tattoo. Mickey just silently watch his boyfriend work in the mirror thinking may he was right in that they were both free and the past could no longer hurt them anymore. Mickey just wanted to be rid of these ghosts in his head and he knew he didn't want Terry haunting him for the rest of his life so he decided he would try to get all of Terry's shit out of his head.

He knew it would hard as therapy showed him that it wouldn't be easy but as he glanced at Ian he had a feeling he could do it especially since Ian would help him do it. They both helped each other and it was probably why they were so close and not just best friends but so much more in that Mickey wasn't even sure what word could describe what he and Ian had between them for years.

But as Ian's words echoed in his head he knew Ian was right in that they were free and Terry couldn't hurt them anymore and the only enemy left was in his mind. As Mickey looked in the mirror again at the tattoo he let out a whisper of "yeah we're free" softly thinking maybe one day he would believe it. Mickey decided he was done with his past and he was done with the shit Terry did to him over the years.

He was done letting fear rule his life and there was no way he was still letting that piece of shit excuse for a human that was his father keep him a cage anymore. Mickey knew who he was now and he was happy here with Ian and his life now was a lot better than he ever thought it would be before he left Chicago with Ian. He knew Ian changed everything for him and he was broken from his thoughts when Ian stood in front of him resting his hand on his chest blurting out "put your fucking shirt back on and stop smiling like that its weird" humouredly.

Mickey softly laughed looking at Ian while placing his hand over Ian's feeling his warm skin under his hand replying "you're fucking weird" humouredly knowing it made no sense but he didn't care at all. Mickey grabbed his shirt from Ian and put it on as Ian rolled his eyes knowing it was a little true but he didn't care one bit. Mickey put on his hoodie and sat on the table as Ian cleaned up his desk which was full of used ink and paper towels along with the used needle and threw them into the hazard waste bin in the corner of the room.

Ian walked over to him standing between his legs resting his hands on Mickey's thighs mumbling "could fucking help asshole" lightly. Mickey scoffed shoving Ian with hands smirking at him replying "its your fucking job" humouredly. Ian rolled his eyes grabbing Mickey's hands and pulling him off the table replying "come lets go home" lightly. As Mickey stood up he hugged Ian tightly burying his face in Ian's neck mumbling "thanks for doing this for me" softly.

Ian hugged him back resting his face on his boyfriend's shoulder replying "its no problem" firmly. Mickey shook his head deciding he had enough of feeling emotionally exposed for one day leaning back to look at Ian asking "can we get some food from that place we like" curiously. Ian nodded replying "yeah" firmly.

* * *

 

As they left the tattoo shop and after Ian locked up he felt Mickey hold his hand as they walked down the street. Mickey had a feeling Ian was smiling and when he looked over he was proven right blurting out "wipe that stupid smile of your fucking face" humouredly. Ian laughed looking over at him not hiding the challenge in his voice and expression replying "make me" firmly.

Mickey scoffed replying "I fucking will later on" firmly. Ian looked at him trying not to picture that in the middle of the street as he rested his arm over Mickey's shoulder and pull him closer to him so he lean against him replying "I know you will" softly knowing he wasn't lying. Mickey softly laughed as he put his arm around Ian's lower back replying "good" firmly as they walked down the street.

After they got home to their apartment and ate their food they weren't long moving things to the bedroom. When they finished and were lying naked in bed together trying to get to sleep Ian wrapped his arms around Mickey and pushed his leg between Mickey's and pulled himself closer so there was no space left between them in the bed. Mickey pulled the covers up over them running his hand through Ian's hair as he silently looked at him in the dark before sliding his hand down over Ian's arm and then around his waist knowing he loved Ian so much and after today he knew Ian did too.

He rested his forehead against Ian's and didn't even want to stop himself blurting out "I love you Ian so fucking much" knowing it was the truth and he didn't want to hide it. Ian wasn't asleep yet and heard it pulling Mickey closer to him lightly kissing his boyfriend before replying "I know you do and I love you too" not able to hide the tiredness from his voice before he fell asleep.

Mickey just tightened his grip on Ian deciding that they were free and a part of him felt that he believed it especially when Ian said it like it was the truth. As he lay in the darkness with Ian wrapped around him he knew nothing could hurt them anymore now that there was no threat of Terry barging in unannounced and killing them both for loving each other.

It was just him and Ian now and that was all that mattered because they didn't need anyone else and Mickey knew once he had Ian he would okay. As he replayed Ian's words over in his head he knew Ian was right in that he was free and nothing could ever hurt them ever again. He could feel that part of him growing stronger each day even though he knew it would be a while before it drowned out all the shit in head. But he knew he had Ian and that it would be easier to do it now as he let himself relax and fall asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. I don't know if I will continue this, I am really bad at doing multi chapter fics now.


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